333 things not to do around FMA people, or you die
by Phear me
Summary: Basically, just don't do it. Unless u WANT to die, don't do it. Ever
1. Chapter 1: Everyone

**333 things not to do around FMA people, unless u want to get hurt badly**

**Everyone in FMA world**

**1: say alchemy and any bad word next to it, u will regret it within the hour**

No one even looks at that recruit now

**2: be a perv**

Hawkeye will have your head in the hour

**3: walk in HQ with an ANTI military shirt**

Just don't do it. Ever

**4: comment on how all the time they fail. It's a guaranteed death sentence**

The people at investigation are still trying to find the culprit

**5: play the Banjo**

How Roy knew how to play it was uknown

**6: Disco…in the street…flailing a red scarf. Don't ask**

Files on why this is a bad idea are classified by Hawkeye

**7: get 5000 birds in any of their houses**

It just annoys everyone, just think about when the birds go to the bathroom…

**8: host a dance party, invite everyone, then don't do anything at that spot**

Eds prank was not funny for the majority this time

**9: Offend Hawkeye in any way**

Don't do it. Ever. Unless u want to die don't do it

**10: eat all the Icecream**

Ed may got to it all, but everyone wasn't sure were the rest went…till Al started leaking Icecream

_**Well, im going to do it by 10s, except the last one, which will be 13**_


	2. Chapter 2: Ed

_**Ok, iv done all the ones I can think of for everyone, now to be a bit more specific**_

**Ed:**

**11: don't call him short**

Roy's black eye still hasn't healed, due to continues punching

**12: don't break his Automail, it's the last thing you will ever do, especially if Winry is there**

Once again, Roy has more pain

**13: Don't make short jokes near him**

Do I need to say it?

**14: Don't hit/annoy/hit on Winry near him**

Ignore the don't if u want to be with the other guys that tried, you know, the ones in the graveyard

**15: Make Eds Automail rust**

U might get away from Ed, but u WILL feel Winry's wrath

**16: Tell him he's not allowed to do something**

He's just guna do it

**17: Dance around with a Megaphone while screaming "FULLMETAL IS SOOOOOO SHORT, HES SOOOO TINY, I CAN BARELY SEE HIM"**

Sigh, long story short, Roy got too much Booze

**18: Measure a little kid and Ed**

NEW FASION STATEMENT: RULER IN YOUR NOSE

**19: Use Al as a trashcan**

Roy, can u not get beat up by Ed for a change?

**20: Use Al for a BBQ, Guaranteed to piss Ed off**

The Burgers were good though

_**More for Ed coming up next time**_


	3. Chapter 3: Ed

And im back with more things not to do

**21: Don't mess with Ed's arm**

Havoc thought if he used Ed's arm in some way he could pick up more women. Both he and Ed were found with Wrench shaped wounds all over them.

**22: Don't EVER do something to someone else and then, to be mean, put Ed in the same scenario only more pathetic**

No comment needed, Ed needs to get over his rage issues

**23: Don't hit on Winry, wait, didn't I say that already?**

Both of them will beat you up

**24: don't mess with Al's seal**

Hawkeye learned not to aim her gun in the general direction of Al's seal

**25: Don't call Ed "A failure at alchemy"**

HE IS ACTUALY GOOD, HE GOT ALS SOUL OUT OF ALL THE POSSIBLE SOULS HE COULDA GOT BY MISTAKE

Yep, (stares at Gluttony) definitely a bad idea

**26: Make a "I wonder who the Older brother is" Joke, and see what happens**

Think about this hard and a lot of these go to 1 detail about Ed

**27: Give Ed an unsigned invite to party, and make sure there is a map to wherever you want to send him**

Ed was not happy when he found himself in the middle of a Funeral, but he did think it was a Goth party for like 20 minuets before he wasn't happy. Then he traced the handwriting

**28: Have a Dance off with Ed**

Um, this is more of if you want to say you're a good dancer, because Ed will most likely beat you

**29: Tell Ed Pluto is shrinking**

(cannot enter comment because watching Ed rage and destroy the HQ with no one able to stop him)


	4. Chapter 4:Havoc 1ed

Seeing as how a lot of people like this, im updating it again, here you go

**30: Forget to add something to a list about Ed**

Owww

**31: never show off big sexy boobs infront of havoc**

Its not really death, unless u die of A: embarrassment or B: Being with Havoc a lot

**32: never mention Havocs death to him**

Hes still trying to figure out how he's alive, don't ask me why

**33: Never not show up on a date with him**

Results in getting stalked or him crying a lot and locking himself in the closet. Im tired of that happening so I will kill you if u do that ever

**34: set him up on a blind date with hawkeye**

(No comment avalible, being shot at for typing this)

**35: Type up setting him up on a blind date with Hawkeye**

Owwwww

**36: tell Havoc he's won a night with a famous beautiful female, and then reveal it to be an old lady**

Ed can't Visit Havocs house unless its an emergency

**37: Say you can open a dimensional rift to the Bird dimension**

Al's random joke had Havoc attack everything then went near him

**38: read his diary found unlocked on his desk**

Ok, wh e…, OH SHIT (runs away as Havoc chases me)

**39: host a party, invite a lot of women, then tell havoc he is not invited**

Sigh, this should start a list called "333 ways havoc can break into a party"

**40: do all of these things and live to type them**

Me: YAY, IM ALIVE

Havoc: GET BAK HETE

Me: SHIT (runs away)


	5. Chapter 5: riza click

Sigh, well, here ya go u blood thirsty readers, eat this up, its time for Riza

**41: Make an obstacle illusion and have Riza shoot it for practice**

Al: hey Ed, why are u hanging up-side-down tied to a tree?

Ed: shut up Al (some force smacks Ed, but it wasn't the author)

**42: replace Riza's gun with a squirt Gun**

It wasn't Ed who was in trouble…. ^.^

**43: Disco in HQ**

What the…. ROY CAN DISCO! (click)

Roy: um, uh, hi, Riza, I thought u were sick?

Riza: I got better (Roy runs away with Riza chasing him (she really hates disco after "the Incident"))

Winry; ok…, LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED (music turns back on)

**44: Tell her "code 13 in warehouse 13"**

No1 knew where Riza went, but she came back pissed at some guy called MacPhearson, and Ed wondered where warehouse 13 really is

**45: Take out/disable the ammo in riza's gun**

Ed: Don't…..say….a word

Al: LOL

Ed: GET BACK HERE AL

**46: Fake your own death**

Never make Riza regret being sad about you, it's a bad idea…..

**47: Dress as a zombie**

Riza ran away screaming, but came back with a REALLY REALLY BIG GUN!

**48: Lie about/in your paper work**

Roys excuse didn't quite work….since a short term fire that didn't need anything to start then stop it on his paper work didn't sound believable

**49: TOUCH Riza's diary**

Ed: NO, PLZ RIZA, I WASN'T GOING TO READ IT, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**50: Steal her gun**

Ed: RUN FOR IT ROY

Roy: I AM RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN SHRIMP

Ed: WHAT (Ed's Fist impales Roy's Face)

Well, here ya go, now, once ur done reading this, go back to your Jacob/Edward Debate XD


	6. Chapter 6: Armstrong

Ok, normally I will not take requests, but this is the one exception since I didn't tell you that

If you feel i am missing a FMA character, plz inform me immediately

Now…FOR ARMSTRONG

**51: go up to him running at him and scream in his face "REJECTED"**

After Ed rejected Armstrong, he was thrown out a window by a crying Armstrong

**52: Tell Armstrong to work out**

Roy went flying through 2 walls, but then ran for miles to get away from Riza

**53: Tell Armstrong "Code 7"**

After freaking out, he goes rage mode and nearly destroyed HQ and Gluttony

**54: tell Armstrong Mr. Smith is here**

(insert lol here) ROFL OMG LOL WTF HOLY SHIT (Armstrong is running for his life)

**55: speak Spanish in front of him**

Riza left freaked out after speaking in Spanish with Armstrong

**56: Tell Armstrong "hello 2****nd**** strongest guy I ever met"**

He reserved the gym for the whole week

**57: Tell Armstrong "The Cake is a Lie"**

Ed was not seen at HQ for a month. When he came back, he had a huge bump on his head, and Armstrong was still pissed off.

**58: Call Armstrong an emo**

HQ was filled with his tears, and it also somehow started a fire temporarily on Roy's desk. Riza is still investigating that, and who called Armstrong an Emo.

**59: Tell Armstrong his deepest darkest secrets were stolen from his mind in his dreams**

Since this was the day after they had watched INCEPTION, he freaked out and for awhile, was unsure if he was real or some amazing anime cartoon (XD)

**60: try to teach him time space warp logic**

He didn't understand any of it, lost his memory for awhile, during which Roy's office set on fire. Again, being investigated by Riza.

Well, here you go, Armstrong, 59 makes most sense if you watch INCEPTION, and 53-55 are classified by both Riza, Armstrong, and an unknown authority.


	7. Chapter 7: Ed and Riza NOT EDRI!

Ok, 2 things, vote on my new pole and here is some more Riza (51-55) and Ed (56 – 60)

**51: set her up with Roy**

Al: IM SORRY!

**52: set her up on a date with Armstrong**

Roy: GET BACK HERE AL

Al: NO!

**53: stalk her**

Roy was found in a comma in the dumpster

**54: Flirt with her**

This one depends on who you are, Havoc found out she didn't like him back though

**55: Kidnap her and tell her you are going to rape her**

Riza came back with a beat up Homunculi

**56: Tell him his mother is a whore**

Ed completely Owned Roy

**57: tell Ed Winry is ugly**

The Cadet is still missing

**58: tell Ed he has rage problems**

Riza and Ed had some epic fight, resulting in both being KOed

**59: Hang Ed upside-down naked on a flagpole**

Winry kicked Roy's ass, and Roy's teeth turned pink from colored toothpaste

**60: Steal his Automail**

Winry searched for weeks before finding them in Roy's desk. They don't figure out Envy did it for weeks though…

Ok, I need some ideas for more, because writing this stuff is HARD, and I haven't reached 100 yet. Also, tell me if im missing someone. On another note, I am not choosing a team in this Edward/Jacob thing (partly because I read the books, I know who wins, so it's not really fair)


	8. Chapter 8: AL for all of you AL lovers

Ok, listen, I have had some messages from people who will stay anonamus about who wins, I will lets you know now….

I WILL NOT TELL YOU!

Ok, now for Al (and btw, I was getting to him, I meant when I get farther in cause I might have forgot some usable people's names and stuff)

**61: Steal a kitten**

Al: GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKING BASTERED

**62: accidently run over a kitten**

Roy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, RUN FOR IT RIZA

**63: Bring a Dog to work**

Al: WHY DID U BRING A DOG HERE

Roy: its bring ur pets to work day

Ed: wait, Roy has a dog?

Havoc: who knew?

**64: use Als head as a disco ball**

Ed: HAVOC GET BACK HERE

**65: Threaten a kitten**

Al: RAWR

**66: Whisper in Al's ear "Entaro"**

Al was huddled in a corner talking to himself for days

**67: Mass murder Kittens**

Me: ….., Al, way to go, you killed everyone, even the universe

Al: wait, how are you still alive?

Me: ummmmmm…..

Al: DIE

**68: Tell him his brother sucks**

Roy was beat to a dam bloody pulp

**69: Tell Al a kitty died**

Poor kitty…Poor Roy, wait, what?

**70: write this and live to type the tale**

Me: OH NO, HES BACK

Well, here you go, you bloodthirsty readers…. XD, Blood thirsty and im leaving notes about the twilight series on this, I just fucking realized it XD


	9. Chapter 9: Authors Note!

Transmitting…..

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Data uploaded…..

File: This Story

Notes: NO kittens were harmed in the making of this story (as of yet anyway)

Kitten: Ow

Al: RAWR

Ed: RUN FOR IT

Roy: SHIT

Note: no animals other then that kitten and Roy were harmed, but other then that, all are true, well, the Roy ones are true too

Roy: I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

Ok, so ur not human, HES A HUMUNCULI

Riza: GET HIM

Roy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ed and Al: lol

Transmission over….


	10. Chapter 10: Lust and Gluttoney!

NOW FOR ELMO!

Joking

ITS GLUTONEY TIME

**71: Put him on a diet**

IT took YEARS for Gluttony to work off his weight, even with 5 personnel trainers, but then he couldn't use alchemy anymore, because he needed his fat to use it

**72: Force him to take a diet**

Completely different, he ran after Edward saying he was going to eat him for hours, before he collapsed for days. Too bad he woke up on an island in the middle of nowhere (with an odd Wrench shaped wound that he felt before collapsing)

**73: Disco…in the street…..flailing a red scarf (spit take, then looks at chapter one) Hmmm, so it involved Gluttony, TIME TO INVESTIGATE!**

Still Classified

**74: whisper in his (or really any bad guys ear) while in a head lock "im the Night Guard", he HAS seen Night of the Museum 2 XD**

He refused to leave the corner for days, EVEN TO EAT!

**75: Mention the word "Vegetables" to him**

Gluttony: What are Vegetables?

**NOW FOR LUST, HUZZAH**

**76: Mention her date with Havoc**

She will LITERALY GIVE U A PAINFUL DEATH IF YOU MAKE HER REMEMBER THAT

**77: Say"Time to Terminate" to her**

Lust went on a killing spree, leaving hundreds dead in her wake

**78: set her up on a date…..with gluttony…**

O.O Cannot…Describe…..

**79: Dance like no1 has ever danced before**

She has probably danced like that and will kill you for stealing her idea

**80: Play Tag!**

Bad memory of hers

And that's it for now, Good Chapter though….


	11. Chapter 11: Roy

Ok, 2 things, 1: If you noticed the fail like I just did, Armstrong and Ed/Riza have the same #s (insert face palm here), and 2: if you bought sc2 and think it IS a great game, SHOUT IT OUT!

And now for….Roy?

**91 (going to correct #ing): Tell him fire doesn't exist**

After he realizes your lying, side effects may include being set on fire

**92: Do the Cha Cha**

Roy made sure that Cha Cha line never stopped….till Riza shot at him

**93: Tell Him you told Ed that you called him short**

Once he gets back, don't go back for like 2 weeks, both of them will hunt you down

**94: watch all of the FMA series and notice how a lot of it mimics, then tell him that Havoc always seems to get hurt badly, then show him all the series**

Um, do this to anyone really to watch a…..unusual….reaction…., but Roy will freak out the most, mainly cause no matter what he does, he never gets Riza

**95: Steal Riza's gun, put it on Roy's desk, and then runs off with Winry hypnotized/under some kind of influence, and then gets Roy and Riza drunk enough to get them in a hotel and put wedding rings on them**

(Is currently banging head on desk) THAT (bang) IS (bang) SO (bang) MESSED (bang) UP (BANG)

**96: take Roy's wallet**

Pisses off Roy the most

**97: Take all of Roy's Gloves**

Pisses off Roy the 2nd most

**98: Make it so he wakes up next to Ed in a bed, and im sure I don't need to go into details, other than the condom on the Night Stand**

(Continues Banging) SOOOOOOOO MESSED UP (BANG BANG BANG)

**99: Have people hide all around HQ, and make a Voodoo doll of him, and whenever you poke it, have someone poke him there.**

He will try to kill you for quite awhile, especially if he learns it is fake.

**100: Think of all this and still live**

Poor Ed, you just happened to be there, and you're such a good Scape Goat

Well, that's all, now beware, School is Approaching…..and I am waiting for you there….

Sigh, if you didn't read the books (which in my Opinion are better), just wait till you see Breaking Dawn, its COMPLETELY Different, and Explains the one thing that makes a certain someone unique (Breaking Dawn Rest of the Books)

Also, I must warn you, I lurk in the shadows, so when you least expect it, I will strike…I will have your soul…and….your most prized possession…..


	12. Chapter 12: Winry

Now for the one you have been waiting for…..

Winry….

**101: dent Ed's and Al's Automail in any way**

Roy learned one of the few people to phear more then Riza, Winry….

**102: Destroy her house**

After trying to set Ed on fire for stealing his wallet, Roy ran farther then anyone knew he could….but that still wasn't enough

**103: Destroy her Wrench**

Envy: where did you go lust, and what happened?

Lust: SHUT UP ENVY

**104: Threaten Ed's life**

While Roy did get hurt a lot for it…..He didn't mean Physical life

Ed refused to leave his house for a week

**105: Destroy Central City?**

Apparently if Central is destroyed, Winry has to rebuild it

**106: Hurt Al's Feelings**

Al: 

Winry: THAT'S IT!

**107: Tell her a girl is trapped in the well**

She will run screaming, causing Ed to kill you

**108: Tell her Lassie isn't here**

Same result

**109: Threaten her Grandma**

Ed learned not to threaten her grandma for cookies

**110: Scream "RELEASE THE KRAKEN"**

Someone will yell CODE ORANGE

Well, here ya go, Winry :D


	13. Chapter 13: Everyone once again

Well, time for a whole new Chapter of…3..3…3….. (cheering)

Also, 110 is something I suggest you don't ask about…..

Everyone this time

**111: Stop an Alien invasion**

When weird aliens called "The Zerg Swarm" attacked, Roy's fire burned their Xenomorphic asses. Ed's Arm also helped, along with Winry's wrench and her Grandma's cookies.

**112: Talk about Pancakes**

After Ed accidentally flattened everyone, Pancakes were banned everywhere

**113: Die, come back to life, die again, and then come back to life again**

Havoc was too freaked out to leave his room

**114: Yell "WATCH OUT, ARMEGEDON"**

*Watching everyone go crazy*

**115: Get addicted to a card game**

Everyone soon realized what Ed meant by a Duel

**116: read a book**

Don't ask…..

**117: Pretend to be the master chief fighting the covenant**

Ed's glory was short lived after Roy pointed out that The Master Chief was short too, and was soon defeated by The Arbiter (envy)

**118: Make up a song**

Ed's new song had everyone go insane

**119: Smile at someone for over an hour**

Roy's attempt to creep Ed out had him have to go to the doctor to fix his face

**120: Pretend to be a Doctor**

Jean made sure that Roy suffered, and also made sure he got braces

Well, here ya go, hope you get the refrenses at 117, 111, and 115


	14. Chapter 14: Envy

Ok, now for the Palm tree….ENVY

**121: call him/her/it a palm tree**

*is running for life*

**122: Take him to Therapy**

Dr Wolk: So envy, are you saying you wish to be human?

Envy: (sniffling) Yeeess

Dr. W.: (takes out magic powder and throws it on envy) WALA, YOU ARE HUMAN

**123: Talk about how happy you and your friends/family are**

Ed did not expect what happened next

**124: do the Cha Cha**

After Shape Shifting into Riza and firing a horrible shot as Roy, the Cha Cha line finally Stopped

**125: Witness the apocalypse in a vision**

Envy's attempts to SAVE human lives made father come after the witnesser

**126: Activate Project: Jericho**

Giant robot: DIEEEEEEE ALCHEMISTS

Envy: HEY, THAT'S MY JOB *goes on killing spree*

**127: Add #s to 10**

Envy hates counting, 1 + 2 + 7 = 10

**128: Scream "ENVYS A STUPID UGLY PALM TREE AND HAS NO GENDER"**

Envy WILL be nearby, and WILL kill you

**129: Join a forum**

Envy = Identity theft

**130: Open a interdimensional portal to another universe**

Envy encountered a weird creature known as a Rydrake, which kicks his ass


	15. Chapter 15: Guess Who it is

Ok people, GUESS WHAT, THIS IS MY MOST POPULAR STORY (hurray), and so, as such, I shall give you a special treat…

**131: Curse at him**

Roy was dam pissed when he learned he wasn't getting the Job

**132: Brake his car**

Roy's revenge caused him to be tortured for all eternity, a fate worse then death, and somehow it happened in 1 second.

**133: Moon him**

Ed learned some places not to do something with Winry

**134: Steal his wallet**

Al: WHAT DID YOU DO NOW!

Ed: DON'T SAY A WORD *Runs from the living wallet*

**135: Have a pie fight**

Classified…by everyone…in the world…

**136: Ignore his/her authority**

Ed finally learned what Discipline means

**137: Remodel the HQ**

Agreeing with Riza, the building must be changed back…especially the stripper pole

Roy learned about a new remodeling business and he was "recommended" it

**138: make a reference to something**

*Runs for dear life*

**139: Blow up HQ**

Visits to central are now very common on this matter

**140: Get Drunk around him**

Al wasn't sure HOW he got drunk, but he found himself in a hole

Alright, if you figured out who it was, review this and tell me


	16. Chapter 16: Armstrong again

Mew fong winz, his reward, a cookie

The Correct Answer: Fuher Bradley

Now for…Armstrong once more ( I plan to get to others soon)

**141: insult him**

After Ed's common anger rage, he found himself running from Riza and Armstrong 

**142: plot revenge**

Ed learned not to try to get revenge on Riza or Armstrong ever again

**143: set his car on fire**

After Armstrong's new car was set on fire, Roy found himself with more paper work then he ever imagined

**144: Say "Merry Christmas" to him**

It brings up bad childhood memories that explains how he got the way he was

**145: Go on a date with him, and then break up with him for no reason**

Lust learned that dating was not her thing, though she might try again later

**146: Disco**

Refer back to 144

**147: Make him think he is in space**

Armstrong, after he realized it was fake, led a investigation to who did it. The person was soon regretting it.

**148: Stare at him…for hours…with a smile**

Me: STOP IT ED, ITS ANNOYING

Armstrong: STOP IT!

Ed: Stop what?

**149: Say Hi in an annoying voice**

Roy: HI ARMSTRO *is hit super hard by wrench*

Winry: Stop it

**150: confuse him**

Poor Armstrong, Poor Ed for getting beat up by Armstrong for confusing him

And that's all folks


	17. Chapter 17: Al is back

Sorry for this uber delay, iv been busy, but here ya go

Just when you thought it couldn't be done: it did: Al

**151: Tell Al "I am watching you" in a creepy voice**

Guaranteed death sentence

**152: Call him Fat**

Is that even possible? I don't know, but Roy sure is in pain…

**153: point out he is taller then Ed**

Again, you get the point. Ed + short Joke = Pain and death

**154: Commit Animal abuse**

Al: RAWR, YOU NO HURTY THE KITTY *destroys stuff*

**155: don't be mean to a cat**

Mayor: and now we open the Kitty Care Center! *shivers in fear from Al*

**156: Make fun of/hurt Nekos**

They are part Kitty, so they are under protection of Al

**157: Scream "IMA FIRE MA LAZAR" while already firing a lazar**

*runs for dear life*

**158: Kick him in the (Censor)**

It wont hurt him, it WILL hurt you

**159: Tell him his mother was (insert a variety of words here)**

Ed and Al: GET BACK HERE YOU ASS

**160: Sing the sponge bob theme song**

Why do you ask? Simple, even Al knows the song is made of pure evil.

There, done, I must go and do moar updates now!


End file.
